Interview? Tomorrow!
My “long stay” at Sai Baba’s residence was from November 1976 to mid-September 1977. For some that is a brief, easy time. For me it was long, tedious, and difficult. I came for one purpose: to interact as much as possible with Sai Baba’s form and hope for the highly coveted personal interview.
During this time one could get a front row position as long as one waited, thereby reserving the desired spot. This required a usual wait of three to four hours each morning, and three to four hours each evening. There were many days I sat for 12 hours, waiting…
Every day was identical. This part of southern India is arid. There was little, or in some years, no rainfall. Every day brought bright, blue, cloudless skies.
As I was waiting one day under the huge tree where darshan [sight of a holy man] was held during those years at Brindavan, I was sitting sideways, in an unorthodox position, and looking at a small cloud, the first break from the endless monotony. As Baba went through the usual darshan routine, He was on the women’s side of the aisle right opposite to where I was sitting.
I thought, “Good!” “Stay there, I don’t need you!”
Immediately He turned and walked directly toward me.
As I was offering everything I had to be blessed, I offered a book. He took the book and extended His hand, asking for a pen to sign it. Someone gave me a pen and He signed the book, “With Love, Sathya Sai Baba.”
“Okay,” I thought, “Go for broke.”
“Interview, Swami?” He said something I couldn’t understand, and then said, “Tomorrow.”
I thought, “I’ve heard this story before. You have two chances: morning darshan & evening darshan.”
As Baba walked by in morning darshan I slowly got up and said, “You said I would…”
“Seet [sit] down!!”
Annoyance! “Okay, You have one chance: evening darshan.” I thought it was gracious of me to give Him another chance.
During evening darshan, as He walked by me, I stood up and said, “I’m going in for interview.”
“Seet down!!!”
Rage! Hatred! Anger! He can do this to other people, but to me? How dare He deliberately get my hopes up and then not fulfill them!
I told anyone who would listen, and many who would not, “That fuzzy-haired, that lying little monarch! Who does He think He is!!??” This rant went on for hours, until no one would come near me—it was so tiresome!
Worn out, I thought, “I’ll fix Him… I’ll leave Him! But where will I go? Another guru? Big business? Whom am I kidding? I have no interest in any of the above. If I leave Sai Baba, I’d be leaving the best entity I have ever known. I’ve been stupid, but couldn’t be that stupid!”
I fumed within myself for several hours and finally arrived at the decision that not only could I not leave Sai Baba, but I must come to some settlement between us.
Eventually, I came to the conclusion that the words do not matter; it’s only heart-to-heart communication that matters. I put this in a note and prepared to give the note to Sai Baba.
During the next morning’s darshan, I gave the note to Sai Baba. As He accepted the note, He gave the most beautiful, loving, radiant smile. Simultaneously, a “light” seemed to emanate from His face. I cannot explain it, because it was not a physical light. Yet it was a very powerful light, and it increased in intensity, becoming so strong that it was like looking at the sun. I had to turn away as much as I loathed to. The power of this non-physical light was just too strong to look at.
I was in ecstasy! Everything seemed perfect and I could hardly contain my love for Sai Baba.
This is what I understand as “surrender.” If one throws a ball into the air, one expects it to fall down, not continue to go up. This, I believe, is “surrendering” to the law of gravity. One doesn’t “give up” anything. Surrender is to align oneself with what is. One “gives up” the desire that the ball should continue to go up instead of down. One gives up one’s ego demands and accepts the truth of the forces of the universe. I try to realize I can’t understand this entity, Sai Baba. I must accept Him or lose the most valuable experience and gift I have ever had. This I believe is “surrender.”
What did I learn from this experience? Baba has repeatedly said, “No one can understand Me.” By forsaking the “understanding” of “Interview tomorrow,” I was able to experience a glimpse of Sai Baba.
~Edward Loriot, New York, USA
