Returning to God
In my room at Prasanthi Nilayam, awaiting the beginning of a most sacred Hindu festival, Dasara, I contemplate that very auspicious time in Christianity, the holy week of Easter. On that Good Friday, I had an overwhelming experience that awakened me from the deep spiritual sleep I had been in for years.
On holiday from teaching at the university, I was spending Easter vacation at a very beautiful place, Esalen Institute, on the Pacific Coast in Big Sur, California. For five days, while attending a seminar, I found myself inexplicably immersed in thoughts and images of the Christ story. I say inexplicably because I thought I had long since abandoned my Christian roots and freed myself of all religious fetters. But during this Easter week many warm remembrances of childhood Bible stories filled my consciousness, bringing profound joy and inner peace. My plan had been to spend my last two vacation days returning to my home, but some inner voice was now inviting me to remain one more night in this lovely setting to continue experiencing my own calmness.
I went to the office to arrange for another night’s lodging, but was told there was no room at the inn. I remember feeling a little like Mary and Joseph in Bethlehem. When I left the office, I met a warm, friendly soul with whom I had exchanged nice contacts during the week. As we talked, she offered me her extra room. It seemed the cosmos was making sure I remained that night.
I went to purchase a meal ticket, but was told none was available. The place was crowded with more people to feed than there was food. Remembering it was Good Friday, the day Christ had suffered on the cross to save mankind, I decided I could certainly forgo one meal on this holy day. But, as I went to get a cup of tea, a friend handed me a plate of food. Again, I was being totally cared for, just as Mary and Joseph at the birth of Christ.
What a strange course of events! I, a fallen-away Catholic, was spending so much time thinking of Christ. Growing up in a strict Catholic family, I was very devout until college graduation. Then I stopped going to mass, deciding Catholicism was no longer right for me. No longer could I blindly follow the religious rituals that were not providing any meaningful inspiration for my new life as a career woman. I even decided to give up on God. Certain there would be no further need for it, I remember throwing out my college Bible, which I had used in many theology classes.
Now, eight years later, as I looked at the beautiful Pacific Ocean, I was contemplating how Jesus spent His time in the garden after the last supper. I was aware that He knew all that was to happen, but let the drama be enacted because of His overwhelming love of mankind.
After a lovely evening tuned in to God and nature for the first time in many years, I retired. My room had a skylight through which one could gaze up at the starlit sky, and I arranged to sleep directly under that window.
As I relaxed and reflected on the wonderful events of the past week, a star suddenly started from the heavens. Streaking through the sky, becoming brighter and brighter, it entered my room through the skylight. It was awesome. I was utterly stunned and amazed. I must explain I do not use intoxicants and have never had visions, hallucinations, or unusual happenings. Being a fairly conservative college teacher, this was outside my known realm of experience. At first, I was truly frightened, but then the children’s story of Pinocchio came to my mind, in which the star entered Gepetto’s shop and the wooden toys began to do the dance of life. The room shone with a very strong light. Everything was clear and beautiful. It was totally overpowering and I was awed and wondering. I remember saying, “Is this happening to me? Is this a dream? Am I asleep?” But I was totally awake and my mind was perfectly clear. Yes, it was happening!
The star flashed streams of light, and as they flashed, I heard a very loving voice giving clear directions about my life. The messages were very simple and there was no doubt this was guidance from above. First, the sweet voice said, “You need to give up sugar, particularly colas.” This star knew me very well. Usually I spent mornings observing students at the hospital before rushing to the university for afternoon lecture class. On the way, I would stop at the vending machines for a candy bar and two colas for my lunch. I knew this was not good but it seemed I needed God’s intervention to change. The voice also told me to become a vegetarian, become celibate, and begin to worship God.
Then I was told to come and live at Esalen Institute in June to begin the study of natural medicine. I was told not to worry about my job, my house, or anything. All my needs would be met. This was astonishing, as I had been very interested in alternative healing methods and had been wishing for a way to leave the traditional health setting. Again, I was receiving direct orders from the divine to fulfill a deep inner desire.
During the star’s presence I remember feeling afraid, and the image of climbing up and down stairs came to me. To go down was to descend into darkness and the unknown, while to go up was to follow light and learn the real truth. As I recall this particular part of the experience, the Asatoma Prayer comes to mind.
“Lead me from the unreal to the real;
Lead me from darkness to light;
Lead me from death to immortality.”
Even in that instance, Baba was imparting an essential teaching. I pray he will lead me to continue climbing these stairs to him.
After the star left, I rose, completely overwhelmed at what had occurred and so filled with energy I knew I could not sleep. I walked down to the rocks on the beach, and here I realized the true significance of this event. Gazing at the ocean and sky, I noted two white birds flying overhead. They appeared very much like doves, which evoked thoughts of the sacrament of confirmation in the Catholic Church. It is taught that when one receives this sacrament, the grace of the Holy Spirit enters your body and you become a full disciple of Christ. The symbol for confirmation is the dove.
In my Catholic childhood, I remember memorizing all the answers from the catechism in order to be well prepared for any question asked by the Bishop during my confirmation ceremony. As a twelve-year-old, I had eagerly anticipated this occasion which would complete my commitment to Christianity.
In our small Nevada town, the parish church held confirmation only every two years. This was a big event with many preparations, rehearsals, and other things necessary for an important event. The Bishop came, I answered his questions, was anointed with the sacred oil and supposedly accepted as Christ’s disciple. I was disappointed and disillusioned, for I felt nothing significant had changed inside of me. What was the meaning of all this ritual? It seemed merely a chance to get a new dress, some presents and to have a celebration.
Then about twenty years later, on a Good Friday on the California coast, I suddenly and unexpectedly received the sacrament of confirmation. This was the experience I yearned for as a child. Without any doubt, the Holy Spirit had entered my body. After complete alienation from religious beliefs, I was experiencing the same feeling Christ’s apostles had when the Holy Spirit descended forty days after Christ arose from the dead.
My given name is Pauline; my patron saint is Paul. It is no wonder Baba chose to reveal his divine presence to me through an experience with light. How special we are to him as he individualizes our experiences while we are led to his divinity.
I returned home the next morning with an entirely new understanding of God. I began to explicitly follow the directions of the star. I looked for my old theology notes from college and remembered discarding my old Bible. I thought, “Oh, how foolish I was to think I could throw God out of my life.” I now knew He was totally with me and I could not live this life without experiencing God.
The star had told me to live at the institute in Big Sur, so I began my plans. I applied and was accepted for a three-month work-study program.
Arriving in Big Sur June 1st, I felt a sense of complete well-being, which affirmed my new life direction. Shortly I discovered a Catholic hermitage eleven miles from the Institute. I began attending mass regularly, feeling comfortable in the cloistered environment. Walking into the chapel that first time, I felt I had returned home after a long absence. The monks were very kind, treating me as a fellow spiritual seeker. In strong contrast to my rigid religious upbringing, they seemed open and ready to accept a vast range of spiritual paths.
Two weeks after arriving at Esalen, I heard of a morning meditation period, which was followed by bhajans(holy songs). That was my first exposure to Baba and I think he captured me with the bhajans. I loved singing them as it was very reminiscent of singing Latin in the choir as a child. As then, I did not know the meaning of the songs, but the sounds simply captured my heart.
I began reading about Swami. The first book, Vision of the Divine, disclosed Swami’s trademark, “TPS,” which had been inscribed on a medallion he materialized. It means Tara(star), Puttaparthi, Sathya. In other words, the star of heaven incarnated at Puttaparthi in the form of sathya(truth). I knew then it was He who had come as that wonderful star on Good Friday night, completely changing my life. Before long I was in India to experience His divine human form. First He makes His presence known in a form we easily recognize; then He reveals to us that He is all forms.
When I received the Holy Spirit that night, I became not only a full disciple of Christ but also part of a much larger family – the family of all mankind that is soon destined to receive the Holy Spirit. The father of this world family is our beloved Sri Sathya Sai Baba, who has incarnated in human form to spread His divine love. He has promised He will bring this troubled world of diverse religious cultures and hostile factions together again in love, into one family. He gave us a wonderful view of the world family when He said:
There is only one language, the language of the Heart.
There is only one religion, the religion of Love.
There is only one caste, the caste of humanity.
There is only one God and He is omnipresent.
That is the true communion, the holy union of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit within us that we are all praying for. May God bless the world to experience this golden age very soon.
~Polly Kirby, Big Sur, California
Source: Sanathana Sarathi,Sept. 1983
(From Sathya Sai Newsletter U.S.A.)
