Thanks for the Anguish

Swami says, “Open your heart to pain as you do to pleasure, for both are my gifts of grace.” At first this sounded odd to me but now I think I understand a little, for would I have searched within myself for the true meaning of life had I been happy and content? Probably not. I had everything any woman could wish for, a husband whom I love, two lovely little girls, and a nice home, but I was far from happy.

I was brought up in the Christian faith. We went regularly to Church and Sunday school as children, but when I left school I stopped going and for many years pushed all thoughts of God to the back of my mind. I got married, went to Australia with my husband and then returned to England three years later to settle down and have a family.

I think it was being responsible for the two innocent little children that first started me thinking about the sort of world I’d brought them into and what the future held for them. I couldn’t see any silver lining. Every news bulletin was full of hate, violence, and the threat of nuclear destruction. I wanted to take the whole of mankind by the scruff of its neck and shake it and shout at it, “Stop it, don’t be so stupid, we’re all God’s children, can’t you see that?” I felt helpless and frustrated, and I began to suffer from depression. Life became a one long heartache. Oh! How I longed for the never-ending sleep!

But through all this dark despair my thoughts kept turning to God. As I went about my housework, I pondered on life after death, renunciation, and all the different religions of the world. Many Christians believe that theirs is the only true religion, but I could not accept this. Surely, it is the sincerity of the heart that matters, not the name you call God by. So I was lost, not knowing what to believe in and my depression deepened until finally I prayed from the bottom of my heart, “Oh God! Please help me.”

Dear mum, she had been telling me for ages that she was reading about a ‘wonderful man’ and that she would lend that book to me. I wasn’t taking a great deal of notice. I assumed she was talking about a great doctor or a missionary, and so when the book, Sai Baba, Man of Miracles finally came, I started to read it, quite unaware of the treasure in store.

My prayer had been answered, my journey back into the sunshine had begun and I thank Thee, dear Lord, for the anguish that brought me to Your lotus feet.

~Sylvia Bishop, England
Source: Sanathana Sarathi, May 1986