The Voice of God
The author made her first trip to India after having saved money for a full year. In her own words: “somewhere in my heart I thought He would walk up to me and say, ‘Finally, you’ve Come.” The way things unfolded was different. Below she shares her experience—mostly painful, sometimes exhilarating, but at all times reflecting how our beloved Lord takes us towards the ultimate, everlasting truth.
I returned from Prashanti Nilayam exactly a month ago today. Since the moment I boarded the plane back to the United States, I knew I must write to you all. When I left the mind-swirl of New York City to travel to the feet of our Lord, I fully expected to find peace, tranquility, awareness, Waves of love… all the things I had heard about. What I found was that this love did not come to me in the form I thought it would.
On the face of it, my experience with Swami was disturbing and even disappointing. I went to India telling myself that I wanted nothing but His love. I truly felt that I was going with no preconceived notions of what would happen to me there. Looking back, I can see this was a trick I was playing on myself—the work of my ego. I believe this was due, in part, to what I had read. Many stories about a journey to see Swami are filled with juicy moments and endearing words of love and wisdom pouring from His lips. Holding his hand while gazing up into his liquid brown eyes, riding in the car with him as he tells stories of his youth, being plucked from the crowd time and time again to sit with him personally. These things are beautiful. I do not slight the people who experience them, speak of them, or write of them. But none of this happened to me, and as a new devotee I found this to be heart wrenching.
The only thing special about my trip was that it was nothing special. I received no interview, no words of wisdom, no materializations, no waves of love, no auras, not even eye contact! Someone told me Swami says it takes more energy for Him to ignore a devotee than it does for Him to shower them with attention. Well, in that case, He spent a mountain of energy on me.
Aside from receiving no outward attention from Swami, I felt bombarded with negative attention from all around me. This wasn’t how I had envisioned the most important experience of my life unfolding. Something was terribly wrong. I felt cruelty and irritation bubbling in my throat. I felt like an unwanted outsider. I felt like a failure.
When I packed my bags to return home, I carried more than just my clothing; I also carried a hefty load of doubts, disappointments, confusion, and pain. I avoided the meetings at my Center when I returned and skillfully dodged any queries about my journey. How could I explain that I hadn’t “felt it?” How could I say that I had come away from my journey feeling disappointed and confused?
I had never felt so alone and isolated. Walking around feeling like none of the things in my life mattered anymore, I thought I had faced the ultimate rejection. Surprisingly enough, at the same time, I could distinctly feel my love for Swami growing like a golden balloon centered directly in my heart.
This dichotomy fueled my confusion, and after a couple of weeks I finally sat down to meditate on it. Sitting there in my puja (worship) corner, gazing at His picture, I began to cry…. and cry and cry. My hurt in the form of tears just poured out over my cheeks. I asked Swami about everything that had happened to me during my time at His feet. I asked him about my pain, my ungodly thoughts and the swirl of confusion that surrounded me. To my continued disappointment and dismay, I received no answer from Swami.
After that meditation, however, I felt that a certain weight had lifted, and I sat down to read a bit. The book I chose was Where the Road Ends: From Self Through Sai to Self by Howard Murphet. Immediately I came across a quote:
“My desire and will were burned by Love, the Love that moves the sun and other stars.”
Aaaahhhhhh! I could finally exhale. Here was the voice, here was the answer.
Externally I had received nothing from Swami. My mind was caught in the belief I that I had gone to Him without any desires, but He revealed all my desires one by one and burned them away. From the beginning of my trip, I was pretending that all I wanted was to give my love. I was playing a game with myself. Through the stripping away of my desires and hidden expectations, I was being taught to love Him unconditionally. What a gift!
My heart melted at the thought that I had not received a single thing… but in reality I had received it all. I may never actually hold Swami’s hand, but I know now that He will never let go of mine.
So that leaves me here, living a life that is neither fantastic nor tragic. It’s not much of a story, but I had to tell it anyway. I know Swami would want me to share my discovery with you, that when the kicking and screaming of the mind subsides, you feel the waves of love come rippling up. Therein lies the voice of God.
~April Blair
New York, USA
