An Inner-view with Sri Sathya Sai Baba

The following article has been excerpted from a talk given by Veena Sundararaman at the Manhattan Center.

“It is impossible for anyone to understand or explain the meaning and significance of Baba. This Incarnation and Embodiment is beyond anyone’s comprehension. Trying to explain Me would be as futile as the attempt of a person who does not know the alphabet to read a learned volume. Or to attempt to pour the ocean into a tiny vessel. You can at best only prepare yourself to receive and benefit from the ananda, the bliss, that I grant.”

-Baba

I was at the ashram recently, and this was the first time in over a decade that He allowed me to stay for a month (my earlier trips averaged four days). One thing we deal with in any trip is our expectations.

When I arrived at the ashram, first, I was so conscious of my faults I thought I’d be lucky if He allowed me through the gate! Second, I felt I should be thinking more about practical things like making money and less about the purpose of life, and that He would show me how. When you’re devoid of expectations, He can fill you with what He wants. He didn’t throw me out. And after looking at the ashram crowds, I thought, “Wow, hundreds of intense people searching for the meaning of life. Wonderful! I’m not the only one!” Within a day or two, He’d twisted my brain around to thinking, “I’m on the right track.” Only He can do that without talking to you.

Swami let me see glimpses of people whom He showered attention on, let me watch Him walk through rows of people to pull someone out and smile at them and say, “Very happy, very happy” or “When did you come?” Very subtly but powerfully, He showed me that we must be so deserving of His grace that God wants to give us attention. Whenever I forgot that, He reminded me by showing me His expression and that of those whom He called. And time and again, He called out to the people who did not thrust themselves forward. So, if I’d had any expectations on the external level, Swami got rid of them quickly.

At some point, I realized I did have some inner expectations: character development, getting rid of some personality traits and tendencies. These, I figured, He couldn’t give me in one encounter. I also had the desire, after years of traumatic sickness, to experience His physical form, to see Him as unconditional love—to hear His voice, to see Him serve people—so that I could learn. And He seated me in a place where that could happen. About four times a day, I saw Him coming and going, sometimes for 2 ½ hours at a time. For me, it was mind-blowing that I could soak in His presence. Swami says, “Rest assured that whatever My eyes see becomes vitalized and transmuted, You are being changed day by day, never underestimate what is being accomplished by the act of darshan (being in the presence of a holy being). My walking among you is a gift yearned for by the Gods of highest Heaven….” So, I sat there thinking every cell in my body was being transformed.

Sometimes, the crowds were so enormous that people were outside the temple. We’d expect Swami to come in through the gate, but He’d walk around and go outside. He’d wave and smile and just stand there, basking in the love, blessing people, giving them love. He was quite a space away, and sometimes I couldn’t see Him, but I could see the joy on people’s faces and feel the waves of bliss. That was enough—to see the impact He had. I got more than I asked for.

How He Teaches!

When I arrived at the ashram, I had a plea in my heart: “I know You have to teach but put me through the gentle fire.” And He did that throughout the entire month! Whenever there were lessons, I could see them, they were painful, but they were not devastating. It was wonderful to be able to see this happening. One day I said to my roommate, “I’m so happy! Swami ground my ego to dust today.” And she looked at me quizzically and said, “Do you know how that would sound to the outside world?” But such is our journey with the Lord. And in His infinite compassion and grace, He allows us to have that perspective, to know that every horror we are going through is for a reason, that He knows about it and is lessening its impact even though we have to go through it. It gives us strength, distance, to handle all the lessons. The faster we learn, the better, so we can move on to the next one.

Here’s one I learnt. I enjoyed serving in the kitchen and used to get up early, sometimes at 2:45 A.M., to chop my ego as I chopped the papaya. If somebody had told me I’d be getting up at that hour, I’d have said [with great skepticism], “Yes, right.” But God inspires you to go beyond what you think you can do. You’re fatigued and your body’s aching, but you’re blissed out. You learn that body consciousness isn’t everything.

One day I said to myself, “I’m tired. Relaxing my body will make Swami happy. He’s not a slave driver.” You can rationalize a lot of things on behalf of God. So, I didn’t go to the kitchen, thinking I was doing the right thing. Then Swami came by at darshan and stood right in front of me. A young girl behind me was trying to reach out and give Him a letter. Swami reached over me to take the letter, but they didn’t connect. Then, with a look of censure, He said, “Laje [lazy]” and walked on. Knowing that everything you hear in darshan line is meant for you, I thought, “Oh, God, where have I been lazy?” The only thing I could think of was that I’d slept that morning, skipping seva (service). As if in instant confirmation, the girl’s mother said, “Why you sleep too much?” So, I was back in the kitchen the next day!

One wonderful aspect of being at the ashram, I have found, is that our intense focus on Him brings a certain clarity within. Every morning, I had a list of questions ready in case Swami called me for an Interview. The next morning I’d have to change them because the most important ones would be answered my questions. How He does it is just uncanny.  For instance, one day, before darshan, I was thinking about “surrender,” when a woman tapped me on the shoulder and said, “I think you should read this page.” So, I took her book and saw a whole dialog on surrender! Swami hadn’t said a word, but I got what I was supposed to.

Another of my questions was: Does transformation occur of its own accord or through Swami’s grace? The day I was ruminating on this, I went for a talk given by an ashram elder to Westerners, and he said, “Listening to glories of God leads to faith in Divinity. Faith in Divinity leads to surrender, which leads to transformation.” And the Avatar is here for that, so why won’t He help us if we’re working hard? That was a tremendous message of hope.

One other question running through my mind for years was: Does awareness of faults itself destroy faults? What do you do about them? The answer came all day from different directions: Awareness is the first step. Then do namasmarana, say the name of God, and after a while you won’t even remember what the faults are. Thus, the answers came fast and furious.

Sense of Humor

I had wanted to experience Swami’s sense of humor. One funny incident involved an old lady. She was really bent over and had thick eyeglasses that made her eyes look enormous. At darshan people escorted her up to the front, even though there must have been 35-40 rows.

When Swami came out, He went straight to her. As she peered at Him, He materialized vibhuti (holy ash) for her. He held it in His fingers, waiting for her to put her hands out, but she couldn’t. So, He poured it into her mouth, and she smeared it all over her face, totally unselfconscious. It was wonderful to watch the interaction between her and God. Then she shouted something at Him really loud. With no change of expression, He started walking away, seeming to reply to her, and then said something to a group of teachers sitting behind her. They cracked up. Afterwards I asked one of them about it. Evidently, the old woman had told Swami at the top of her lungs that she couldn’t see Him properly with those thick glasses and then said, “I can’t hear very well these days.” Straight-faced, He had told the women, “These days, I can’t hear very well, either!”

Hillary Clinton’s emissaries, two young women, were at the ashram. We were told at a talk for Westerners that Mrs. Clinton had sent them to see how in rural India a super-specialty hospital could provide top-notch services for free. Although I had decided not to pay attention to the personality dramas going on during darshan, you couldn’t miss these conspicuous looking women. When they came to darshan, the manager of the ashram and the head volunteer were gesturing to each other wildly. “Bring them over, make them Sit here.” Usually little talk goes on in the darshan area, but these persons were explaining a lot of things to them. Baba came out—you know how He moves, very fast, but very slow; it looks like He’s floating, but it’s over in seconds; a pat here, a letter there, a smile, a nod, vibhuti, padnamaskar; He does so much, you blink and you’ve missed it. He completely ignored them.

But after He moved into the mandir (temple), they were immediately taken in for an interview. When they came out, there was such a glow on their faces! I heard that Baba materialized a diamond ring for one of them and a nine-gem ring for the other, and they Could be seen staring at their rings. At their second darshan, Baba talked to them and joked a little, and you could see their faces light up. Another darshan, He didn’t say a word to them, but spoke to the people around them. The expression on their faces, their demeanor, had changed. From their obviously awkward stance the first day, they had now become like everybody else. All of us across the aisle could only see Baba’s back, but the impact He had on these women was so extraordinary we had tears in our eyes.

In a talk for Westerners, Mr. Subbarao, former head of the United Nations energy division, said that he’d once asked Swami, “How do we experience you?” And Swami said, “Enjoy me!” Mr. Subbarao told us how when He comes out, you should look at the sun against Him, His hair, just experience Him, and be-totally oblivious to everybody else, and you will get the full impact of His presence. When you see someone getting padnamaskar (touching the feet of a holy person), know that you’re getting it too. And you will experience it.

Swami knows exactly what people need. He showed me so often that He knew what was going on in my mind every moment. One morning, He came out asking for a doctor’s wife, but she wasn’t there. And everyone looked around as though thinking, Who’s this blessed creature the Lord Himself is asking for? In the afternoon, she came with her baby for darshan. There was total pin-drop silence as the mother sprinkled rice and placed the baby on Swami’s feet. Hundreds of people were around Him, clamoring for His attention, reaching out. Someone was shouting “Interview” from the back. People were giving letters. But He was totally oblivious to everything except that baby. His tenderness at that moment had to be seen to be believed. He didn’t move until the mother lifted the baby off His feet. Later I learned she was the wife of a doctor at the super-specialty hospital and had lost two babies. Swami had told her, “You will have the third child,” and this was that child at His feet. So, you can’t tell what’s going on when you see what happens at darshan. It’s important to trust and surrender, to feel the joy and grief people go through.

Another time, I saw Swami blessing 700 seva dals (volunteers). He was handing out saris and shuffling along like a little old grandmother so the Volunteers could touch His feet. At the end, He had one colored sari left over and went to give it to an elderly woman. But she said, “No.” We were all aghast! The drama went on. I could see His eyes, the look on His face saying, “Take it!” How could you resist that intensity from God? But again, she said, “No.” And this went on four, five, six times. Finally, He walked on and minutes later offered it to a Western lady. When she lunged forward to take it, He moved away with the sari so fast the whole crowd started laughing. “My God,” I thought, “the elderly lady knew what she was doing!” But He’s so compassionate, He later did say to the Western lady, “Very happy, very happy.” Afterwards I asked the elderly woman, “Why didn’t you take it?” She said, “I knew He was joking. That’s a colored sari, and He knows I wear only white.” Swami says God Himself may offer you worldly goods just to tempt you, to test your commitment to the path of God, to test your purity, of which the white sari was symbolic, in my view. So, you have to be clear on your priorities, be discriminating. In a light-hearted way He communicates such serious lessons.

After years of yearning, I experienced the “peace that passeth understanding,” and throughout the month the words ringing through my mind were that this, indeed, is heaven on earth. He says, “You do not choose God for the benefits He can shower on you. You must hold on to your faith, whatever might happen. Success or failure, approval or disappointment, when God is your very core, irremovably fixed in your consciousness, there will be no room for elation or dejection. God is bliss, and when God is the undying spring in you, you will have bliss forever.”

~Veena Sundararaman
Manhattan, New York, USA