Swami, Reside In My Heart
The following two anecdotes are taken from a talk given at the San Diego Center in September, 1998.
The trip I’m going to describe was different than any other I’ve taken. Usually, I ask Swami if I can go see Him. This time people kept asking me if I were going and I felt I would not. When my husband suggested that I go, I took it as a sign. But shortly before I was scheduled to leave home, my father was diagnosed with cancer. I considered canceling my trip. Then the doctors said they weren’t certain, so I decided to go ahead.
A theme ran throughout my trip. It was written on a wall at the ashram: “The lifespan of man is not a fait accompli. This is a saga of progress and development, an adventure of soul. Each moment of human existence is replete with opportunity to blossom into a divine experience of excellence. The purpose of life is to become tuned to the divine within and derive all guidance and sustenance therefrom. This experience matures into the realization of the omnipresent. The divine has descended on this planet to help man ascend. Bhagavan Sri Sathya Sai Baba is the base and the summit, the drop of water and the ocean. Peace and happiness lie in spending well each moment in communion with Him, the one who resides within each of us.” Throughout the trip I knew that in the deepest part of my soul I wanted to experience Swami in my heart.
I spend only two or three weeks at the ashram each year. I wanted to see Swami in my heart while I was there. In the past, whenever I have prayed to Swami for any kind of spiritual progress, He has responded. On this trip, I got absolutely no attention from Him. He did not look at me, smile at me, or come near. That had never happened before. After five days of such painful behavior, I began to question what I had asked for. I wanted to tell Him I was there and receive some recognition. I offered Him a letter but He didn’t take it. Nothing. I began to doubt whether Swami loved me—the most painful feeling a devotee can have.
When I got home, my father was dying. While feeling profound sadness, I became aware that I had no time to waste if I wanted to experience Him in my heart. All of us are ice cubes melting in the sun. In my opinion, the most beautiful words Swami has written are, “Always—at every time, at every place—I am where you need me. All things without are subject to the limitations of time and space, to the material laws of nature. My outer form is no exception. If you are to perceive my outer form, it must come within the range of your gaze and position itself so that you can see it. Even then, I may not gaze at you. But I am omnipresent. The limitations of the body and the outer senses do not hold for the inner vision. Therein you can see me at any time and at any place and receive darshan (seeing a holy person). The outer vision is purposely insufficient, transitory, instantaneous, and casual so that you may crave and approach the inner darshan. If I have separated you from my image off and on, it was only to bring you to my presence within you. That alone will replenish you and refresh you. None of my absences was a rejection or a rebuke so far as you are concerned. I intended them all. And always I willed that you return to me.” Sai Ram.
~Connie Fox
We come and go to see Swami. Many of us have such deep experiences that an outsider might wonder where they come from. It is an extraordinary thing that divinity itself has come. If there was a theme for me in this trip, it was the deepening feeling that Swami is behind everything.
When something happens to us, do we really believe it comes from Swami? An experience deepens when we have clear expressions of His omnipresence. It thrills us. It also happens when we empty ourselves. For some reason, when we are around Him, many emotions are released. When we let go of these, we become humbled by the experience. Our vision gets clearer also.
The experience with Swami is humbling, especially when He does not look at you. Someone asked Swami, “Why is it that sometimes You don’t look at me?” Swami replied, “At those times I am paying the most attention. Don’t you understand how difficult it is not to look at you? When I come up to a person I don’t look at, do you know how much energy that takes? All of my attention is on that person”.
As a family, we were a little frazzled in transit. Yet, no matter whom you think you are when you arrive, after several minutes at the ashram, you realize you are nobody special and you are just in His hand. Competition, jealousy, anger, and pride leave us. Time goes by and we have divinity itself. All else gets put into proper perspective.
We were concerned about our daughter who had trouble with her back. I had heard about a doctor in India who specializes in Hatha yoga (yoga for physical benefits) and treats back problems. I asked Swami if I could help the doctor come to the US because many people would benefit. Swami said, “No.” One morning I was sitting behind a pole at darshan. Of course, I always wanted to sit up close with an unobstructed view of Swami. But the man in charge told me to go behind the pole. I used to struggle, but now I know it makes no difference. When I heard Swami call me up, I went quickly. Swami pointed to one of his students and asked if this was the boy I wanted to take to the US. I said, “No. That is one of your students. The man I’d like to help is a doctor from Madras who specializes in Hatha yoga.” Swami laughed and motioned me to return to my place behind the pole. I reflected on what it meant. We all want something. We all connive—this person is a doctor; he can help me. We must not forget who is behind the whole thing. It is all right to play the game in the outer world, but we must not forget. Finally Swami says to us, “No. No more. Don’t look anywhere else. Just look toward me.” We look for doctors, for lawyers. Yet, the deeper we become, the more we realize it is really all in Swami’s hands.
I asked the vice-chancellor if it were hard living so close to Swami. He said, “It is hard to get close to the fire.” I asked what he had learned as vice-chancellor. Did he feel he could help the University? One might think Swami could do it all. Swami once said that if He were to bless a stone, it could do anything. Does He just give us activity to bring us close to Him so that He can have our heart? The vice-chancellor said, “It is important to do our work in the outside world and to do it well. But it pales in relationship to doing something directly for Swami, to learn Swami’s lessons and teachings. He gives you work just to win your heart.” That is the purpose of everything. He wants your heart.
I also spoke with Mr. Narasimhan (a long-time devotee and editor of Sanathana Sarathi) whose wife of fifty years had just died. When people came to pay their respects, he responded, “Don’t be sorry! I am with Swami and she is with Swami.” I asked him how much Swami loves him. He looked so sweet. He had so little ego. He said, “Oh, does Swami love me!”
On the last day, I was invited to an event at the college. Swami came in with such majesty and power that He was breathtaking. We were transported to another place, like heaven. One of the young business students spoke of the college’s way of teaching values. He explained that the exchange in business is an exchange of love. One accomplishes this by standing for correct values, by being truthful and honest, and by wanting to serve with an eye toward helping others and bettering society. If one can put these forces in every act, how great the act can be. An act of love is infused with truth and right action. It is an offering to Swami. It is a holy transaction. Then the student said, “Two months ago, my mother died in my arms. As I held her, I called on Swami. There was nothing else to do. When I did, all the strength, power, and love that I could ever want was there.” When we hold Swami close to us and arrive at the moment when there is nothing else, power, grace and glory is ours.
Swami gave a riveting, extraordinary discourse. He spoke of what goes in the center of a molecule, and about some rays of energy that have not reached earth yet. He named them. He speaks with such authority that we marvel and wonder at who we are with. He makes relationships between cosmic understanding and man’s heart and atma. He said the rays that are coming are dangerous, but the light of the atma, which sustains and supports, reduces any harm that can come. He spoke of how power is expressed through love.
Swami, keep us close. Give us the experience of devotion. Let us empty ourselves in You. You are with us at all times and in all places. Fill us with your love, dear Swami.
~Samuel Sandweiss
