Letting Go is Letting Swami In

In the last year or two, I have had the great fortune of being in the physical presence of Swami—our most beloved Lord—for several months at a stretch. As I reflect back on that glorious “timeless” time, I recall witnessing many miracles, having tremendous spiritual experiences, and treasuring personal moments with the Lord. But the thing that stands out most vividly is the magnificent pruning process that Swami relentlessly performed—converting a “do-er” like me into a “letting go-er.” This marked one of the greatest transformations that took place in me. Over time, as the “letting-go” process took shape, I was amazed to find that it was accompanied by such allies as patience, compassion, humility, and acceptance of all that is.

Though not as big as the parting of the Red Sea, my transformation has to be a huge miracle. I have a background in math and science; obtaining a Ph.D. made my logical mind sturdy. Working for fifteen years in a chemical corporation further strengthened the imagined notion that I am in control or that I can change things. Given such material, Swami had to employ a wide range of methods to get through my thick skull. His primary tactic was to catch me unaware. I went through the same issues one generally encounters upon reaching Puttaparthi – accommodations, seating, food, weather, neighbors, seva dals. Everything I experienced was geared toward one lesson: Let go!

First came accommodations. I had some health issues and wanted a room to myself. How would this be possible? The logical mind raced ahead to think of people I knew with rooms of their own who might help. But Swami was to teach me that the very skills that had worked well in the business world had to be surrendered to the supreme skill—that of relying only on Him. One night, anxious about my accommodations, I lay in bed and I heard a crystal-clear voice within me say, “How about asking me?” And that was it. The next day I had a great room to myself—courtesy of the Lord.

A good student, I caught on to the game plan fast. Whenever I needed something, I prayed sincerely to Swami, asking no one else for help. Swami was keen that a dull headed one like me was beginning to learn. He aided the process. I got all kinds of reflections from Him. When I was sure He would ignore me, He would speak. If I prayed for my health, He asked about my spouse. If I expected Him to talk, He would calmly walk by. When I least expected Him, He would say the dearest things to my heart. And so it went.

By sheer experience, I learned not to expect or project, and slowly my mind became calmer and calmer. As I improved, Swami, too, reflected my state of mind. When my state of mind was much calmer, I began to notice that my surroundings (at darshan, in my room, and so on) were purely reflections of my own state of being. Too often this was brought about by some non-verbal reaction I had to my surroundings. I started simply watching myself. If the person next to me at darshanwas chatting non-stop, I might perceive a faint reaction within myself, “Oh, can’t this person realize the sheer magnitude of the entity that is going to walk by? Here he is, chatting away.” I would notice a judgment creep up within me. And over time I realized that wherever I went, I was attracting energies similar to my own.

If someone next to me was chatting and it irritated me, I would realize that somewhere I’m like that too. It was a horrific thought because the ego refuses to see its non-existent status. But over time, with a lot of brutal honesty, I found many areas for improvement within myself that I had been rather unaware of. Interestingly, as these genuinely improved, I found myself among different neighbors, both at darshan and in the room. In time, things improved dramatically, reflecting my own inner state. The lesson I learned was, “As outside, so inside.” If you want the outside to change, change the inside. This lesson was to be my most important ally during the entire trip.

And it worked wonders each time I felt a reaction arising to an outside event. And there are outside events aplenty in Puttaparti—everything from people edging for every quarter inch of space to get closer to the front line, to renewing rooms, to volunteering for seva activities. Initially, I found myself in the thick of it—or almost. (My theory is that an energy cloud hangs above the darshan area. It has the collective energy of all who want first line—which is most people. The energy level is such that even if you walk in with the clarity that Swami is everywhere – and not proportionately more in the front line – after a day or two, if your conviction is weak, you get pulled into that energy cloud of, “I want first line.”) I found myself in the same boat as everyone else. The experience can be quite difficult to get out of. Instead of being with the name of the Lord, one is preoccupied with getting a good place to sit.

But, Swami, in His infinite mercy, decided I had wasted enough time in the world and I needed to learn a lesson quick. I found I was in the first line most of the time. Over a prolonged period of time, I learned that while it is absolutely fantastic to sit so close to the physical presence of the Lord—the energy is magnificent and every look, glance, touch, or word takes one deeper within–in the end, one has to use that energy to work completely inside oneself. The inner work is to eliminate those faint traces of greed, anger, jealousy, envy, and so on, and to follow His teachings. The joy derived from the elimination of those things is permanent. Eventually a great peace and stillness starts to descend on you. I found that what I had to work toward was not another magnificent darshan, but how to have an inner, non-stop darshan. What I felt at darshan—the total standing still of the mind, the moment that verily becomes eternity, the incredible peace as if nothing can ever matter—needed to be attained within.

That result can happen when one becomes totally desire-less. This clarity and growing conviction brought immense peace to me. I also found that as the clutches of that desire slowly diminished, my readiness to receive many other levels within increased. A physical proximity to the Avatar became a little less critical. I got tremendous grace within. Daily I was coaxed, cajoled, forced into letting go of old concepts, notions, judgments, thoughts, feelings, desires. And as each one dissolved sliver by sliver, I found a growing awareness of the love within. Not the loving of someone, or of being in love with something—but rather pure, untainted love. The sheer presence of being overpowered me into a state of just being—the ever-present, effulgence, pure presence that one is. Every thought, judgment, and desire clouds this pure state of being and pulls one away from the reality that is. I realized what Swami meant when He said, “The present is omnipresent.” Slowly the awareness seeped in and the clarity grew. I came to understand that “All outside is a reflection of what is inside me.” Therefore, the only game in town is to work on yourself. With this understanding, the inner work intensified and my heart, which was being put through fire like a metal in purification, slowly started its remolding process toward becoming a Divine vessel.

One day in a half-waking state, I said to Swami in my heart: How much better it would be for all devotees if we could improve and streamline the issues of accommodations, seating, food, and the like so that people could more easily have access to Him. Here is the answer that welled up in my heart.

“I reside forever in your heart. To realize me as your indweller, you must remove the layers of ignorance, judgment, anger, greed, impatience, and so on that obscure me from you. The process of getting accommodations, adjusting to different roommates, being able to adjust to different weather, food, darshan lines, and language are all techniques to make you realize that you don’t have any control, that love has no barriers. All concepts of anything must go in order for you to realize your true self. Only when you let go of everything in your mind can you find me seated, ever-full, ever-effulgent, ever-willing, in your heart. And you realize that I was always there, waiting for you to let go!”