Singing for Sri Sathya Sai
Balaramchandran T. S. was a student at the Department of Management Studies at the Sri Sathya Sai Institute of Higher Learning, Prasanthi Nilayam Campus, from 1997-1999. Currently he is the Regional Training Manager at HDFC Bank Ltd., in Chennai, India.
Antaranga Sai—Sai, the indweller—are the opening words of a bhajan [spiritual song] that has always been so close to my heart. Thinking about it my mind goes back to the days when I joined the Brindavan Campus of Sri Sathya Sai Institute of Higher Learning for the B.Com program.
To give you a snapshot of what I was then… a boy from a small town in Kerala, born in a joint family amidst loving grandparents, parents, uncles, aunts, and friends. I grew up within the four walls of a local school—a haven of safety—where I did my entire schooling right from my kindergarten to the 12th grade.
From this protected world, where I was a little prince in my own right, I had moved to the new world of ‘Brindavan’, the Lord’s play ground or should I say the training ground; where He imparted the highest of lessons in the simplest of ways that He alone can.
The pampered little boy that I was, I missed the warmth that I used to experience while at home with my large family and friends, in spite of the fact that my teachers, senior brothers, and classmates were showering sincere love on me.
When I left my home for the new world at ‘Brindavan’, my loving mother, who knew I would miss her dearly, had told me, “Dear child, l know you will miss me while you are in the hostel. But remember that you are going to Swami who is the epitome of love. He will bathe you in the love of a thousand mothers!”
And thus I landed in ‘Brindavan’ with a heart pining to receive from the Mother of mothers all the love and warmth that I had left behind at home. Those were the days when to me, the meaning of the word love was restricted to its physical expressions like: a smile, a pat, a loving glance, a few kind words… I expected that Swami, the embodiment of love, would talk individually to all students every day!
But soon I realized that physical attention from Swami and that, too, on a daily basis was too much to ask for! I felt lost, to say the least. On one side I had come away from home and all the people who loved me so dearly, and on the other, the source of love in search of whom I had come seemed so near yet so far.
With the passage of days I grew wiser and realized that it was unreasonable to demand Swami ‘s constant physical attention when there were millions flocking to Him hoping to receive a glance from Him. But while the head was convinced, the heart was not. Day and night I would hope against hopes that someday I would receive His undivided attention, that He would speak to me, smile at me…the wish list was endless. On many an evening, I would sit alone in the open terrace of the hostel shedding profuse tears for I missed my parents dearly, and the Lord too ‘seemed’ to be in no mood to take notice of my misery.
I was bent upon having some physical interaction with Bhagavan, and a chance came by pretty soon. I had to seek Swami’s permission to lead the bhajans in the mandir [temple]. One evening, I was sitting in the darshan [sight of a holy person] line awaiting His arrival, hoping with a heart that went pit-a-pat that He would give an ear to my prayer. As he walked toward me that day, I rose nervously and managed to utter my prayer to Him when he was within hearing distance, “Swami, can I lead the bhajans in the mandir?” His response was a smile… I was thrilled… But my joy was short-lived.
He pretended that He had not heard me clearly and asked, “You want an interview?” Then addressing the boy seated next to me He said, “This boy wants an interview, give him one!” The entire row of boys seated around me broke into laughter as He walked away, the smile still lingering on His face. I was disappointed and even angry for a fleeting moment.
How could He have ignored my desperate prayer? I had failed to recognize the invaluable gift that He had silently bestowed on me. The Lord who has come for the rejuvenation of the cosmos had taken time out of His all-important Avataric career to speak to me—however insignificant the message might have ‘appeared’ to be. And I had failed to recognize the great significance of the moment. It took me quite a while before I started relishing the sweetness of such gifts that He bestowed on me.
One evening we were sitting in Trayee Brindavan, the abode of the Lord, listening to His words of wisdom. “Oh mind, do not ask,” He said through a sweet Telugu poem, “if you ask, it will be ignored, and if you cease asking it will be granted. So, Oh mind, do not ask.”
The message was clear and I knew as clear as daylight that it was meant for me. I said to myself, “Let me stop asking Swami for physical attention or for a chance to sing in His presence and then let me see if the unasked prayers will be answered.”
Barely a day or two had passed by and Swami told the Warden of the hostel that He wanted to listen to the ‘new boys’ who could sing. Very soon I was given an opportunity to sing in His presence in Trayee Brindavan as He sat on the jhoola [swing] listening in rapt attention. His smile greeted me when I had completed my bhajan. “Where do you come from?” He asked. “From Trichur Swami” I said. He smiled again and I was delighted. This was really working!
Then it dawned on me that very silently the Lord was guiding me to the path that would take me to Him. The physical Swami was not for me, for my attempts to approach Him at a physical level were all ‘dodged’ by Him. On the other hand, He was responding even before I completed the slightest hint of a prayer addressed to the Sai within me—the Antaranga [indwelling] Sai. A bhajan that began with the words ‘Antaranga Sai’, a bhajan I had always enjoyed, became even more meaningful to me. It was selfish, I learnt, to ask for the constant undivided attention of the ’physical‘ Swami, since there were millions flocking to Him for solace. But I could always demand the attention of the ‘Antaranga Sai’ who is installed in every single heart!
Slowly but surely, the Lord helped me to seek Him within me. Increasingly, I stopped praying for His attention on the physical realm and tried to turn within to make contact with Him. It was all fine till that momentous day—the Vijaya Dashami day—when the Lord seated amidst us, listening to a musical performance in the Sai Ramesh Hall, my mind wanted that the Lord should bless me by placing His abhayahastha (Divine blessing hand) on my head—a long cherished desire. I tried telling myself that the path to the Lord was to seek Him within myself and not to ask for His attention externally. But all my efforts were in vain and the sorrow caused by the unanswered prayer was gnawing at me. I was soon submerged in the deluge of my tears.
The musical program ended and Swami got up from His chair to walk toward the stage where the artists stood awaiting His blessings. Instead of taking the path set apart for Him, He surprised us by taking a path across the row of boys seated around Him. As per His will I was seated on the ‘ad-hoc’ path that He had created for Himself.
As He came close to where I sat my heart started to beat wildly. I raised my head to look at Him when He was near me, and our eyes met. I saw in those eyes the love of a thousand mothers that my mother had referred to, the Divine love that He had concealed from me. It was evident to me that He knew my innermost prayers. He knew how I pined for His Divine sparshan (touch). His countenance donned a smile that I would treasure for the rest of my life. Under the pretext of supporting Himself while walking, He placed his Abhayahastha on my head! He, the Indweller, had heard the cry of my heart and had responded like only He can!
My path still remains the same and Swami for me remains the ‘Antaranga Sai’—the Sai in my heart. But there are plenty of days when in spite of the awareness that He resides within, the childlike desire to be fondled by Mother Sai, the pangs of hunger to hear a word, a smile, or a loving glance from the corner of Her eyes, fills my being. But I just keep adding these to a list of prayers. Although not answered in the physical realm, they are definitely answered in the subtle realms of the heart where my ‘Antharanga Sai’ resides. Maybe this is what Divine romance is all about. So far, yet so near!
I know that my Lord has His watchful eyes set on every little step that I take. I know His heart thrills at the slightest goodness of my actions and my smallest triumphs, and I also know that as I write these words my beloved mother Sai, my Antaranga Sai is, thinking about me.
~Balaramchandran T. S.
Source: Students with Sai Experiences
